The little bike in my head is spinning at full speed! While I'm pedaling my bike, I go over my second consultation with the CMP psychiatrist in my head, which has just taken place. I have been living with a chronic illness for 10 years. Although I am Resilient, this intestinal pathology exhausts me physically and morally. At 37, I have the physical strength of an elderly person. My stamina faded away, replaced by constant dizziness, discomfort, and pain. My body is already old and it makes me feel that way. It is extremely challenging on a daily basis, especially for a person who is alone and not in a vehicle.
I wanted to discuss the consequences of my ailments with the medical staff in order to evolve in my personal development. However, it is a completely different path that we are taking with this diagnosis that resonates in my mind as a threat: bipolarity type 2.
This is the second time doctors have told me this. The first time, I went off on my own, admitting after some research to a trend that I managed quite well. Mental health has an extremely poor connotation in our societies where madness rhymes with alienation. As long as it is about others, this fact does not change the love we have for them. When it comes to yourself, it's a whole different story...
Beyond the way I look at myself, which is evolving, I feel an immense sense of relief. The little bike is spinning constantly. As I learned about the disease, I understood myself better. Bipolarity explains why I feel everything more intensely, why I have always alternated between periods of great joy and deep sadness. I always felt “apart.”
I also find other markers such as eating disorders, tree-like thinking, latent anxiety, impatience, impatience, a predisposition to anger, weather sensitivity and a rapid speech rate when I am happy. I pedal at full speed, looking at my actions and my story in a different way. The violence of my childhood is greatly illuminated through the prism bipolar. My mother also fully fits the profile, the hereditary factor being important.
I look at the suicidal thoughts that I have experienced several times in a different way. However, I never took action. I am positive, creative and combative, always looking for reasons to “hang up”. I have always known that I am not “like everyone else”, but I feel that I have reached a new level recently. I am anxious, I need to be in control of everything to feel safe, and my self-esteem is fragile.
I usually manage to motivate myself. Most of the time, I am stable and optimistic, knowing how to boost myself. I have to produce dopamine thanks to what I like, all that remains is to dose this intake to balance it now that I am aware of this mechanism. I know how to create a desire for “after” and I move forward like this. Or maybe it's an illusion, a denial strategy?
As I research, I become aware of what I am already doing. Inspired by my intuition, I set up structuring routines: sleep well, eat healthy, practice a little physical activity, be active, go out, sunbathe, create, be in contact with nature, art and the “beautiful”, listen to music, read, paste a series, meditate. I don't drink alcohol anymore. I continue my mental tour of France, rediscovering my coping strategies. It is thanks to them that I am here.
What has changed since that first diagnosis? My context, my whole life in fact! I had to leave my home under duress to find refuge in a poorly insulated studio, where I live in the midst of domestic violence in the neighborhood. I have been living in permanent intrusion for almost 3 years, which has become unbearable. I am not safe at home and to calm myself, I have created a coercive routine.
Fear, anxiety, anger, self-compensation... I want to return to a more peaceful inner state without medication that scares me. My routine, while supportive, also takes me away from the world. I'm ashamed, I don't go into details with anyone. I am trying to return to more flexibility and softness, but the path is long and tortuous. I also have the right to push my bike to climb this steep slope!
I am very lucky to be supported by my friends, even if they live far away. Some of my family is nearby, but we are not close enough to share what I am going through.
My current goals are to make a living from my business, find a home, resume satisfactory activities and a balanced social life. This will allow me to regain inner calm and balance on a daily basis. Acceptance and conscious adaptation to bipolarity are indispensable. I would like to learn more about bipolar neurofunction and neurotransmitters. I still have a lot of questions!
I get back in the saddle, relieved by this sharing. The road is long, but I feel equipped for this trip whose objective is to Making a positive out of the disease. I wish you a very good road too!
If you want to be accompanied, It's over here:)
