A first-person guide for family and friends to what it feels like to be in a months-long depression and the overwhelming changes in thinking and behavior.
Here is the testimony of a woman called Aude. (It's not his real name)
Personally, I understand very well the metaphor of being caught in a noose because it is sometimes complicated to know how to get out of it.
Start of Aude's testimony:
I fought for months with a bipolar depression that was suffocating me. I felt like I was suffocating. The heaviness seemed to affect even my breathing: I had to make a conscious effort for each breath.
It felt like someone had turned off the switch, and my mind and body were plunged into total darkness.
I know it seems hard to imagine for someone who has not had such an experience. From the outside, it may seem difficult to understand why more willpower or self-discipline is not enough to get out of this state. So here are a few things that I would like to share with my friends and family members so they can better understand.
My internal dialogue has become extremely negative. I was not (and still am not) able to work, so I must be worthless. At least that's what my thoughts were telling me.
The more negative thoughts my mind got, the more my depression got worse.
“Depression is a liar.” I've heard that so many times. I think that's absolutely true. But he is a very convincing liar.
“Depression is an inner voice that constantly denigrates us.
In fact, he's such a convincing liar that I started to believe his lies. That I didn't deserve my friends or family. That I didn't deserve to be loved. That I didn't deserve to be happy. Believing the lies that depression tells you is very dangerous.
If it was another person who was struggling, I think I would find compassion and empathy for them. But I couldn't do it for myself.
A depressive episode is one of the times when it's not helpful to be a perfectionist. When being hard on myself and having an attitude of “courage” does more harm than good. I ignored advice from people who advised me to take it easy on myself. To be nice. To be soft. My personal speech was as follows: “I am not lenient with myself. That's how I succeed. That's how I survived for so long.”
During this depression, I wasn't as nice to others either. I am generally a very patient person. Calm and fun loving. Instead, I was irritable, in a quick mood, and isolating myself.
These behavioral changes caused me even more distress and self-criticism. They contrasted so much with my usual personality that they scared me sometimes. I finally understood that these traits were part of my depressive symptoms, that I was not becoming some kind of horrible person.
After drowning in the lies of depression, believing in my despair, worthlessness, and overall failure as a person, something has changed. Drug doses have been adjusted. The treatment was continued. My depression has subsided.
For me it was as if the lights had come on again. All of a sudden. Lightness. The feeling of suffocation went away. Thoughts of self-harm have disappeared. I saw the lies that depression was telling me... and I didn't listen to them anymore.
For me, recovery meant being able to laugh again, to sleep again. No more crying, no more suicidal thoughts. Readjusting to a healthier diet.
Financial waste and job loss have been more difficult to manage. But with the depression behind me, even the most damaged parts of my life seemed fixable.
My hope for the future is that I still have these people who never give up on me. Who come to hug me, even though I haven't showered in days. Who tell the truth and warn me about how depression deceives.
I hope that I will be softer and kinder to myself. That I continue to persevere. Let me remember that the light is coming back. That I can breathe again.
This testimony touched me a lot because it explains quite well what we can feel.
Personally, the most important thing is to know how to detect the beginning of a phase of bipolar depression as quickly as possible before everything around me collapses. It is thanks to my speech and my routines that I am able to keep up, even if my work pace is sometimes slower than usual. To find out more you can read the A guide to the stages of hope. What also finds it very interesting is to ask for help quickly, by contacting your team. (Relatives, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Coach...)
What helps me a lot is to imagine the pleasure I will feel before doing something that seems insurmountable. The fact of reducing my requirements for a few days by giving me the opportunity to work less.
👉 Deepen the subject of bipolarity
The 5-minute diary is also very useful in silencing the path of depression.
